murphy5xgirl: (Default)
So ready to end this...friendship.

She makes me feel like hell and I feel like she takes up way too much of my time.

It was fun while it lasted.

Hmm

Apr. 10th, 2017 11:43 pm
murphy5xgirl: (Default)
Well, she gets me.

He doesn't even really get me like she does.

What the fuck is happening?

Just...why?

I'm more upset than I should be.

I need to stop this.

But...she knows about my other side...she has a thing for that sort of thing.

She talks to me more on those days and fucking hell it just feels so good to not be so...hidden.
murphy5xgirl: (Default)
Thinking too much.

Been talking to the most amazing person the past...3 weeks now? Shit. She makes me laugh and I find that I look forward to her messages every day. This is both good and bad I think. Good in the sense that it's awesome to have a friend I can just chat with all day and night without any expectations. Bad in the sense that I like her way too much.

TOO. MUCH.

FUCK.

Blah

Mar. 12th, 2017 05:38 pm
murphy5xgirl: (Default)
Those days where you just kinda want to die.

I am not happy.

Not happy in any part of my life really. And it sucks - I don't want to feel so blah about everything.

I want to be excited about this wedding, if it ever happens. I know we have to put it off for financial reasons. But I feel like it'll never happen. And to be honest I don't know if I want to get married anymore...

I hate myself.
murphy5xgirl: (Default)
I'm terrible at telling people how I really feel. Tonight I attempted to open up to her, talk about how I've been feeling lately. But the truth is, I just don't know what I feel right now. I know I need to sit him down and have a really tough conversation with him...but I don't know to start it. I don't how to say it. I've lost my ability to open up to people. Like truly open up. I used to be able to talk about anything with my best friend. And now...it's like I can't let anyone in anymore.

I'm over thinking things again.

Interesting

Mar. 2nd, 2017 05:31 pm
murphy5xgirl: (Default)
Been feeling so out of it lately. So out of the loop.

Something bad is coming, I can feel it.

I don't want to lose her...But I can't make her stay.

I wouldn't make her even if I could. She needs to do what's right for her.

And maybe...Just maybe, I need to do what's right for me. Maybe it's time. Maybe it's not meant to be. I don't know.

I. DON'T. FUCKING. KNOW.
murphy5xgirl: (Default)
I just want...a friend that'll always be there and always has time to listen, even if it's just me rambling on about stupid things when I'm manic. A friend who'll see through my bullshit when I say I'm fine. A friend who gets me and even if they don't understand me, will try to. A friend who'll just listen to me when I'm full of hate, full of sorrow and someday maybe full of happiness.A friend who'll never get fed up with me and my stupid broken brain. A friend who can ride the emotional roller coaster of emotions with me. Just a friend who cares about me as much as I care about them...But I can't ask that of anyone. I won't. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to have a friend like that.

I'm sorry to everyone who's wasted time being my friend. It's okay, you can stop pretending, you can leave me behind, I don't blame you. I would leave me behind too if I could. I'm not a good friend. I'm selfish and stupid. I hate too much and love too much. I just wanted to be a part of something special and in that, I ruined everything. I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. I hate myself. I hate myself so damn much that it makes me sick. I'm such a downer and a burden on everyone.

How the hell can anyone put up with me? I'm a disgusting waste of life. I will never amount to anything. I will never accomplish anything. I will always be a failure.

Why am I bothering to write this, no one is ever going to see it. And if they do, they won't care. Why should they? I'm not worth it.

Blah

Feb. 22nd, 2017 05:22 pm
murphy5xgirl: (Default)
People are assholes.

Blah

Feb. 22nd, 2017 09:41 am
murphy5xgirl: (Default)
I didn't think it was possible to hate myself anymore than I all ready do. And yet here I am. Sitting here doing it.

So...

Feb. 21st, 2017 07:58 am
murphy5xgirl: (Default)
Well last night turned out to be not so bad. He was still kind of being a jerk all night - something that still pissed me off. But overall we still had a good time. I just wish the three of us could plan something and everyone make the effort to just get along. No singling anyone out, no one trying to just do their own thing. We're there to be together, not divided.

When he gets pissy over whatever, it divides us. When she gets overly bitchy it divides us. And me? I'm always caught in the middle. I love them both dearly but this hurts.

I need to get back to work.

Ugh

Feb. 20th, 2017 12:22 pm
murphy5xgirl: (Default)
I have a feeling tonight is all ready completely ruined. I guess we'll see. At this rate I don't even want to go anymore. But I shelled out the money for everyone's tickets so...

GAH

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